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The Good , The Bad and The Ugly

Hi guys, 

I know I said I'll put in more effort with posts but life and other stuff got in the way, I had exams but that's done and dusted for now. Currently typing up this post at a Starbucks in the city centre while sipping on a caramel frappe, my third this week. 

Caramel frappes are delightful, I've tried them at a few places and Starbucks is still number one for me. The sweet taste of the caramel syrup, the slight bitterness of coffee blended with ice and topped with cream and drizzled with sticky caramel topping, orgasm in a cup I tell you. 

Enough about my drink, let's dive into the post for today, I honestly don't know how to start, it came to my head a few weeks ago and took notes, this is what happens when I don't work on a post immediately after getting the idea. 
There is this power tussle in my head, between the good, the bad and the ugly, let me break it down, as most of you know I am a Muslim, not just a Muslim but a practising one, and as a Muslim, a lot of things are forbidden. 

I started praying at 17, I'm 28 now and to be honest, it was not a walk in the park but Alhamdulillah for growth. I've struggled a lot with my deen,  and in the last few years, I've stopped a lot of things, drinking started covering my hair and dressing more appropriately not like my outfits were provocative but with a flash of cleavage here, thighs there and I lived for body con dresses. 
I'm not a small person so it is very hard to hide my figure but that is a topic for another post.

A part of me wants to be the good Muslim woman, not only good but spectacular, pious, virtuous and free from worldly affairs and there is the other part of me that wants to live out my wildest dreams, the crazy fantasies in my head. 

They are 99.9 % haram and not very pretty.

I will not go into details of what they entail but I'm sure you get the picture. I struggle a lot to overcome the temptations. Don't get me wrong I don't think I lived a wild or racy lifestyle, not only to my standards but to the objective standard of what a liberal person will call wild. 
Wild fantasies aside, it also includes things as minor as rolling up the back of my top on the days my waist appears to be "waisting" just to show off my body to the extreme of wild sexual fantasies.
Can a woman who is not married have wild fantasies? I'm unsure, will find out and get back to you. 

Will a conservative Muslim call my action from two years ago or the thing I got up to while away from prying eyes wild? Absofinglutley !!!!

I know these are all in my head and I know and I'm also learning how to draw the line. What happens when I'm unable to draw a line, press the " wild thoughts ", or when my deen is not in top form.

P.S: this is not an I found salvation after living recklessly post. 

XXXXX

Kayah




Comments

  1. Anonymous22 May 2022 at 01:24

    This is well articulated. I love how you take us through your activities while writing this. I’m so impressed that you were actually honest with the way you have been struggling with the deen and this is so encouraging. Pls post more often cos you’ve got a good writing skill. To top it all, I think I’m gonna be stealing your words cos they are so unique. Xoxo Nana😍😍

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous23 May 2022 at 02:16

    Amazing write up

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  3. Ayyub Adam24 May 2022 at 05:27

    Reading through this piece enjoyed me and seemed it were not going to finish. It indulged me as Chimamanda's Americana would do.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous24 May 2022 at 05:46

    It is not easy to be a devoted practising Muslim in the West. Alhamdulillah, you have started the journey. May Almighty Allah make it easier for you. Aameen

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  5. Anonymous24 May 2022 at 06:58

    Nice write up. Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous6 June 2022 at 04:12

    Nice write up which bring into daylight struggles of a Muslima in our world today. Keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous9 June 2022 at 05:49

    Nicely put. The struggle is common and real. We pray to Allah to increase our steadfastness.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous21 June 2022 at 06:28

    Interesting

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  9. Anonymous2 July 2022 at 19:47

    Mashaa Allah

    ReplyDelete
  10. ZEE 3 July 2022 at 06:06

    It's detailed. I love every part of it

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous11 July 2022 at 01:50

    This is amazing and unbelievably realistic . I pray Allah increase you in all forms of goodness

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  12. Anonymous11 November 2022 at 22:55

    Salam....know this and know peace. Allah SAW has knowledge of everything;
    the Muslims challenge and this nude world. Just be calming down. Be prayerful.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous11 November 2022 at 22:56

    Indulge more in Istigfar.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous27 November 2022 at 09:20

    This is so beautiful to read.
    May Allah grant you ease and make the deen easier for you and me

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous11 December 2022 at 01:49

    I can relate with what you’re going through. But, guess what, the prophet told us faith (iman) fluctuates (not verbatim, please). Even the most pious have their temptations too. So, do a lot of istighgar & resolve not to go back to your past life (secret to wealth) and face the future with all optimism. May Allah make it easy for us and count us among the successful ones in this world and the hereafter. Peace to you, my sister.

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  16. Tee10 April 2023 at 22:49

    Since it's a blog about you, I was expecting a proper Salaam greetings. The fact is that truly most Muslims will struggle with their Deen comparing to what's happening in our environment except those Almighty Allah has already made things easier for them. May Allah makes it easier for us all. In all nice 👍 write ups

    ReplyDelete

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