I finished my solat yesterday.
I finished my solat for the first time since Ramadan ended in March, I prayed faj, dhur, asr, magrib and isha. I burst into ugly tears on the last rakah of isha. Tears so ugly I struggled to get the ayahs out.
I have always struggled with my eeman, especially solat. Last month, after four years and two weeks , I took my scarf off because wearing it made me feel like a hypocrite. My scarf made it easy for people to identify me as a Muslim.
I was in Lagos, and wearing a scarf meant hearing people call me "Hajia, Alhaja " and the likes and I was not up for it, it felt off knowing I was not doing the one thing Allah asked me to do which was to worship him.
I started feeling really guilty on Thursday, guilty because I was living my life as if I did not have Allah. I decided to resume Quran classes, which I stopped last year and had no plans of returning.
I had a conversation with a friend about feeling the need to do tahajjud as doing it was easier than waking up for Fajr which was at 2:47am. I slept of that night without doing ghusl or tahajjud and I woke up at 8:30am the next morning.
I got up lazily and finished ghusl at 8:54am, I had to sign into work by 9, a voice in my head told me to sign in first. I listened and observed a very late fajr.
I went about my day then realised it was almost time for dhur, and beacause it was a friday, I decided to wait until after Jummah.
I ended up praying dhur, 34 minutes before asr and asr on time.
I was a few minutes late for margrib, I felt sleepy so I put a tweet about the difficulties of praying magrib and isha during the summer months.
Someone mentioned combining both, and I googed the autenticity of the information. I jumped on my mat when I found the answer.
I prayed the first three rakahs of isha, on the second sujud of the third rakah, I started feeling the tears flow and somehow felt a huge weight off my shoulders .
I struggled to sleep after isha so I ended up praying tahajjud, I got back into bed with istigfar on my lips and Suratl Baqarah playing. A part of me wanted Allah to take me in my sleep because I genuinely felt at peace.
However, I am here typing this.
Woke up this morning, prayed my fajr, I hope and pray I am able to keep it up.
As for my scarf I have no idea when it will come back, that is simply not my focus.
XXXX
Kayah
Honestly, it isn't easy to remain steadfast, especially in the midst of the hustle and bustle of this world. I pray Allah will grant you peace and make it easy for you. Aamin.
ReplyDeleteBaarakaLLahu Feek
ReplyDeleteA step at a time. May almighty Allah ease your affairs
ReplyDeleteThis was incredibly raw and beautiful to read. May Allah reward you for your honesty and vulnerability. Many of us are silently navigating this same storm of struggling with salah and the guilt, the weight of expectations, and feeling like we're falling short.
ReplyDeleteBut the fact that you turned to Him, the fact that you cried in your sujood, that’s not a small thing. That’s mercy in motion. That’s Allah pulling you back with gentleness.
You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to keep returning.
Take your time. Start small. A sincere two-rakah prayer, even if late, even if whispered through tears, is dearer to Allah than a heart that gives up.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that faith isn't always loud or visible. Sometimes, it's quiet. Sometimes, it’s heavy. But even when it wavers, Allah is and always be there watching, listening and waiting for you.
Your scarf? That’ll come when your heart is ready. Don’t pressure yourself into symbols. It is more important to rebuild your connection with the One who sees you even without them.
And if you ever need someone to talk to, to listen, or even just send you a reminder on hard days... I will be here to do that. you’re not alone in this journey. You're seen and deeply admired for choosing to try again.
You will get there Kayah. ❤️